20 Ways To Trick People Into Thinking You’re Smart…

Frenchy: Hey, Marty, are those new glasses? Marty: Oh yeah, I just got them for school. Don't you think they make me look smarter? Rizzo: Nah, you can still see your face. down your bra?

Frenchy: Hey, Marty, are those new glasses?
Marty: Oh yeah, I just got them for school. Don’t you think they make me look smarter?
Rizzo: Nah, you can still see your face.

1.  Attend art galleries, and act deeply moved when you’re staring face to face with a giant painting of nothing but a big black dot.

2.  Say ‘palate’ whenever referring to your taste in food.

3.  Wear black framed, non-prescription ‘nerd’ glasses.

4.  Live in Brooklyn.

5.  Repeat ideas smart people have said in your presence and pretend that they’re your own.

6.  Use words like, actually, literally, honestly, and personally, at the start of most sentences.

7.  If you watch any reality television, You. Must. Not. Admit. This. EVER.

8.  Tell people your favorite television shows are Homeland, any HBO show (other than True Blood), Downton Abbey, or Breaking Bad.

9.  If you have nothing intelligent to contribute to Facebook, Twitter, etc., at the very least, use these correctly: there, they’re, their, your, you’re, we’re, were, then, than.

10.  Pretend you’re really up on politics, but only read the headlines.

11. Tell people your favorite movies are foreign films, and then name drop at least three titles.  Extra points if you pronounce them correctly.

12.  Hang out at any coffee shop except Starbucks, and preferably one that sells crappy coffee that costs twice as much as the chains.

13.  Shop at independent bookstores, and scour the historical fiction section (hopefully while wearing your black framed nerd glasses.)

14.  Tell people you studied abroad.

15.  Tell people you’ve read lots of books, and name-drop titles like The Importance of Being Earnest, Ulysses, A Tale of Two Cities, The Odyssey, The Old Man and the Sea, etc.

16.  Talk about Freud and drop at least one of his theories into conversation at a dinner party.

17.  Say you love every Woody Allen movie whenever given the chance.

18.  Use the word ‘juxtaposed’ in a sentence correctly.

19.  Use words like layered, texture, ripe, raw and supple when describing music.  Bonus points if you can use any of those words to describe Bon Iver’s music.

20.  When drinking red wine with friends, first refer to the taste as full-bodied and complex, then once you really have their attention, talk about how you love the hints of oak and cedar wood.

~The End.

Pictures courtesy of IMDB

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This One’s For The Girls…

“There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”

― Madeleine Albright

Women tearing down other women isn’t a new phenomenon or anything, and if you’re a woman then you have probably experienced this at least a time or two in your life.  It got me thinking, though…

What is up with how some women tear each other down?

Personally, I just don’t get it.

Here is my version of a case study:

A few years ago I worked at a salon where there was an equal ratio of women to men.  I had a man for a boss, and before I was a real hair stylist taking my own clients, I apprenticed mostly under all men.  Now here is the thing that I noticed over the course of three or so years of working there, the salon became somewhat of a “boys club.”  So, what does a “boys club” mean anyway?  Basically, it’s when men form their own alliance within a workplace that consists of both men and women, and have each others back no matter what.  It made for an interesting dynamic, and the strong boys against girls attitude became palpable over time.

It bugged me.

Big time.

It kind of reminded me of a book my mother read to me when I was little…

C'mon can't Sister Bear play?

It didn’t bug me because I felt left out of the “boys club,” no that wasn’t it at all, it bugged me that the women in the salon didn’t have the same attitude as the men had toward one another.  In fact, it was the total opposite.  I’m not saying that all the women who worked there were out to get each other, but I am saying that there were definitely some that were.  In particular, there was a ring leader or two who actively did try to bring other women down to get ahead.  It came in many different forms, such as telling the boss blatant lies, talking about other female stylists behind their backs, all while simultaneously smiling to their faces. The situation became toxic, especially when other women who wouldn’t normally be so catty joined in on it.  Unfortunately,  I’m embarrassed to say that there were times when I got sucked into it, too.  The kicker of this story, is that each time the women behaved this way to each other, the boys club’s alliance only strengthened.

When I look back at this, I think it’s kind of sad.

I should probably note that I’m sure there are also men who try to knock each other down to get ahead, but while on the topic of women in particular, I thought I’d give you an example of something that personally happened to me.

I don’t want to get into too much depth about this, but recently I received a very passive aggressive email from another woman who felt the need to reprimand me, which opened up this topic for me all over again.

Why do some women feel the need to tear other women down?

Personally I don’t get it.  But I do think as women we should try to build each other up, and not tear each other down, don’t you?

C’mon ladies…

Even Princess Leia agrees...

However, if you happen to find yourself the victim of a venomous woman talking smack, you can always keep this in mind…

'Nuff said.

~The End.

Photos courtesy of Amazon.com, geyserofawesome.com, and bluntcard.com

There He Blows!

Today started off like any other day.  I went to the gym for a quick work-out, I did some homework, cleaned the apartment a little, made lunch, etc.  It was raining all day today, which was a nice break from the sweltering past few days we’ve had.  It was just your typical tropical rainy kind of day.  The kind of day where the rain can fall down in sheets, the next minute the sun can be shining through the clouds, and then back to a rain storm again.

These are the kinds of days that I’d normally stay in all day, unless there are errands that absolutely need to be done.  I was just figuring out what to do with my day when Matt asked, “Are you going grocery shopping today?”

“I wasn’t planning on it, but do you need something?”  I replied.

“Nah, not really, I just need eggs and wraps,” he said.

This is code for groceries are desperately needed.  Matt goes through about a dozen eggs a day, and as I glanced in the fridge to see there were only about five left, I knew it was essential that I go.  Plus, I was out of coffee cream, and my day just does not get started off right without it.

So, I put a hoodie on, closed in shoes, and off to the grocery store I went.

I shopped with plenty of elbow room, which was a bonus.

I waited in line, checked out, and had my groceries bagged up within five minutes.

This was a record fast shopping excursion for me.  I was pleased.  Very pleased.

Well, you all know where this story is going right?  Yeah, you know…I mean you have to know.

I cheerfully go outside to wait for the bus that takes me back to campus, and even thought to myself, “What a pleasant day this has been.”

Then, it happened.  I saw the guy who stands outside day in and day out selling mango’s, making his usual rounds and giving each and every other person his schpeel, “I’m the local fruit man, wanna buy some mango’s?”  To which nearly everyone says no, except for the occasional taker.  Today there was a taker.  He made a sale, and was quite jolly.

He went to sit back down on the curb, which is his usual perch and proceeded to eat his lunch out of a Styrofoam container.  All was normal with the universe, that is until he decided to…

Rip a HUMONGOUS fart.  Now this wasn’t any old fart.  This resonated, even outside, it sounded like a fog horn that had trill-like quality to it.  At least four other people turned around to see who had done such a repulsive thing in public…and there he sat…happy as a clam, grinning brightly with his only two teeth.

Did you really just do that? Ugh. So nast.

If that wasn’t enough, he proceeded to then FART AGAIN.  Yes, you heard me right, he actually farted again.  This one was significantly smaller, but still.  Who does that?!

So you see, what started off as any old day, turned into quite a farty old day.

I should have figured.

P.S.  Matt came up with the name for this blog.  Isn’t that cute?

Would You Rather…Part Deux

Would You Rather…

Be smart and ugly?

Eeek...

Or dumb and hot?

Kendra says some pretty boneheaded things, although her hubby claims she is actually very smart...Not sure if I concur.

Would You Rather…

Be too short?

Danny Devito is said to be about 5 feet tall, but I think he is more like 4'9".

Or too tall?

At least your theme song could be "Brick House." So, there's that...

Would You Rather…

Be able to see the future?

Just think you could know how everything is going to turn out before anybody else...

Or have more money than you could ever spend in a lifetime?

Not sure if he's in that status, but you get the point...

Would You Rather…

Be imprisoned in a foreign country for three years?

Oh Foxy Knoxy, what did you get yourself into...

Or have every one of your teeth pulled while your conscious?

You could always get falsies...

Would You Rather…

Watch an episode of True Blood with your parents, where Bill and Sookie (or Eric and Sookie) get down in the dirt?

Can you imagine how awkward that would be? Eeew!...Just think happy thoughts...happy thoughts...

Or accidentally witness your dad slipping your mom the tongue?

Ummm...Eeeek!

Would You Rather…

Have your life depend on running the full 26 miles of the New York City Marathon, or be killed?

Ooooooh, I don't know...

Or take the Bar exam (without any previous knowledge or schooling) and have to pass, or be killed?

Yikes. I don't know which is worse...

Would You Rather…

Get caught singing at the top of your lungs in the mirror by a loved one?

"You make me feel like a natuuuuurrrrallll womannnnn..."

Or have a stranger open the door to a dressing room while you’re in your underwear?

Well, maybe if you're Heidi Klum you wouldn't care...

Would You Rather…

Make headlines for heroically saving someones life?

But you might have to jump in front of a New York City subway to do so, like the "Subway Hero" did.

Or win a Nobel Peace Prize…

Mother Teresa won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979.

Well???

What would you rather?

~The End

Facebook Have I Loved…

So Facebook…

I have a love/hate relationship with you.  Sometimes I love you…For instance, when I find out news that a friend is engaged, preggers, or buying a new house/apartment…when I see pictures of my nieces and nephews…when I find out breaking national news (e.g. Amy Winehouse’s death, we killed Osama Bin Laden, etc.) without having to sit in front of the television/computer watching the news 24/7.

Sometimes I hate you…For instance, political rants, uncomfortable self portraits in bikini’s or underwear (if it’s a guy) taken by a cellphone in their reflection in the mirror (Umm…can we say AWKWARD?? P.S. Please stop this, it’s troublesome for everyone), TMI posts (come on people, we have parents and children on fb now!), grammatical errors galore, public break-ups (although that might just fall under the TMI category…), and last but not least, voyeurism.

What is voyeurism on Facebook?

Voyeurism is also known as stalking on Facebook.  It is the act of seeking out information about a person that you otherwise wouldn’t know.  Stalking doesn’t count if you haven’t talked to a friend in a few weeks/month/year, and you go to their profile to check their pictures out, and to see what is going on in their life lately, and then you post a comment to their wall saying “I miss you,” or something to that effect.  Stalking/voyeurism in the Facebook world, is when you are friends with someone (e.g. ex’s, strangers, people you knew in high school/ college that you haven’t spoken to in years, etc.) and you look at their profile obsessively to see what is transpiring in their life, but you never make a comment. Ever…You just, like, stalk their life, and either live vicariously through them, or use the information about their life to either make yourself feel better about your own life, or maybe looking at it makes you feel bad about yourself.  Either way it’s…

AWKWARD!

Personally, I don’t think Facebook is really all that healthy either.  I think that there are some people in your life that you are meant to forget, and just move on from.  I know, I know what you’re thinking…If you don’t want someone to know something about your life, don’t accept the friend request.  Well, I 100% agree with that, but I do believe if someone wants to stalk you, they’re going to find a way to stalk you, even if you aren’t friends on Facebook…Sure you can put everything about yourself on all the privacy settings that exist, but people find ways around it.

Anyway, I am off on a tangent about stalking/voyeurism and that is not really what this post is about.

This post is about how annoying Facebook can be, and how I hate it most of the time, but I just can’t bring myself to hit that ‘delete my account’ button.  I ask myself why all the time, and I don’t have an answer.  It really doesn’t bring me all that much joy anymore (except when I see all the cute pics of my nieces and nephews), it just kind of makes me uncomfortable.  About five years ago, I remember thinking, I wonder how old people will be when they start deleting their Facebook accounts.  I guess I assumed once people got their real jobs, and started to have families, Facebook would just become something of the past.  However, now everyone’s parents are on Facebook, middle school age kids are on Facebook, basically people of all ages are on Facebook!  I really don’t see it going away anytime soon.

And I really don’t know yet how I feel about that…